Thursday, April 28, 2011

History 111: How to Start Your Own Religion (Part II)

(Part I)

Having decided to begin my long and difficult task of telling over my divine revelation to the world from the comfort of a Starbucks, I must first recruit for myself followers. Such a task requires a charismatic personality. You see most graduate students would not be cut out for being the Messiah as they are unable to keep the attention of a crowd of undergraduates even when backed by the force of course requirements and grades. How can they expect to hold the attention of people walking across the campus oval with just threats of hellfire?

Now one might think that the best place for the Messiah to go in order to spread his message is to established houses of worship, doing a weekend run of mosques on Fridays, synagogues on Saturday and churches on Sunday. One assumes that these houses of worship are filled with people who believe in God and desire to hear God's message for them. The problem with this strategy is that such people can be presumed to be satisfied with their religion and are unlikely to be looking to exchange theirs for a new model.

It is the practice of Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependents and Significant Others (JACS), a support group for Jews struggling with addiction, to offer, during their weekend gatherings, in addition to the variety of different denominational services, a session titled "Why I am not in synagogue." Rabbis attending these gatherings are often advised to attend those sessions because it gives them a chance to hear from the very people they would not normally hear from, those not in synagogue.

What is good advice for rabbis is also good for the Messiah. I need to find and reach out precisely to the people who might want to attend an establishment religious service but are not made welcome because they are not "respectable." They might be addicts, prostitutes, homosexuals, just plain liberal or simply too poor to afford special clothing for weekly services.

To reach out to such people requires a message that vindicates them as outsiders. "Listen up all you people not in services, God sees into your hearts and hears your prayers. Do you think God can be worshipped in gilded churches built on stolen money, with hands dripping the blood of the innocent? God knows that unlike all those people who pretend to believe in him and haughtily call out to him, it is among you, the dispossessed, that he is truly loved. God has therefore sent you, the true believers, Rev. BZ Messiah to receive his message."

Having vindicated these outsiders, it is important to offer them hope of a future world order in which the establishment will be overturned and your followers will assume their rightful places, which they has been wrongfully usurped from them in this world. "Behold days are coming, says the Lord, when I shall shatter the idols on all foreign built cars. Those who awaken late to sip their non Starbucks fair-trade coffee shall find that the whip cream has run out. The barren ones who mourn for not being able to get married shall dance through the street."

As part of my war against the establishment it is only reasonable that I denounce the government, which is a bastion of the established religions and refuses to grant me tax exempt status. Thus Rev. BZ Messiah says: "God damn America, the nipple-ring of Satan's wardrobe malfunction, for it has robbed the Lord's house to fund its dominion over the Earth."

As the Messiah and only bringer of God's message to Earth, it is only natural that I assume a prominent role in my religion way above that of other religious leaders. I will tell my followers where to live and whom to marry and, the moment that any of them dare to challenge a single whim of mine, I will cast them out. Some outsiders might object and call me a cult leader, but they are missing the point; it is all about me. I am the entire religion so it is only logical that the religion move and breathe in tune with my every personal quirk. Of course these outsiders are irrelevant; they are too much part of the establishment to ever consider joining my religion anyway. All I care about is my small band of dedicated followers and making sure they are willing to die for me (or at least live with the day to day scorn of the unbelievers who make up the establishment).  


MIghty Garnel Ironheart said...

You soooooooo need a real day job, dude.

Clarissa said...

I find this set of easy to follow, practical instruction to be very helpful. I've now started thinking that I could actually do it. :-)

Jokes aside, you could one day publish a really cool book using these posts.

Pink Carnation Maryann said...

"What is good advise for rabbis"

Do you mean "advice"?

"who to marry and,"

Do you mean "whom to marry, and"?

"and breath in tune"

Do you mean "and breathe in tune"?

I think that you are going to fit in so well with my minyanaires in Pasadena! I am so excited at the good fortune of those who guarded my life over several years! I can find a girl for you who can be an enabler to argue instead of socialize in brave battle against Rabbi Hanoka's ego.

The Chabad Reverend already fights very well. Do you mind if I forward him some of your posts so that I can get some social priming to help ensure that you get the framing neurotypicals can only dream of?