Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dishware Baptizing and Tree Hugging: My Vermont Vacation

Last week I took a vacation from my summer dissertation writing vacation to go with my girlfriend and some friends to Vermont. We did lots of healthy nature things like hiking and visiting Ben & Jerry's.

Jews have a practice called "toveling," dipping new dishware in a body of water. Think of it as baptizing the dishware so at least they can get into heaven.

As an early modernist, I would point out that this practice among Culinary Jews has been the subject of heating theological debate, wars and even a defenestration of some dishware in Prague. Catholic Culinary Jews believe that the act of baptism alone can save new dishware from hellfire without the owner having faith in being able to eat from them in heaven provided that they are graced by a priest, using it to eat matzo and drink Manischewitz. Lutheran Culinary Jews believe that dishware may be saved through baptism combined with the faith of the owner followed by it being graced by any lay believer eating brisket or kugel and washing to down with some hearty beer. Calvinist Culinary Jews believe that, regardless of whether dishware is baptized, only an elect few will be saved so owners might as well stop worrying and just eat from them (or become bi-polar depressive and just eat). Anabaptist Culinary Jews believe that owners should be allowed a grace period with their dishware before baptism to eat with them so they can make an informed decision as to whether the set has the right pattern for dining in heaven.

I will say this about my girlfriend; she is assertive, intelligent and liberal. This liberalism may be rubbing off on me. Hiking up a mountain, she paused to refute intelligent design, pointing out that any intelligent designer would have had the good sense to move a tree just a few feet over and not stick it right on top of a rock.

Before I knew it I was hugging trees and concerning myself with soil erosion.

If I am not careful she might have me supporting same-sex marriage and female clergy. I will call in the RCA to find out which is a greater threat and get me least thrown out for. Well, at least my dishware will be saved.


m chinn said...

this one is truly funney!

Clarissa said...

"I will say this about my girlfriend; she is assertive, intelligent and liberal. This liberalism may be rubbing off on me."

-I'm so happy for you, my friend! If anybody deserved to meet someone great, it was definitely you. :-) :-)

Is she an Asperger person?